The problem with truth
There is a surprisingly common assumption that many therapists have: our clients do not lie! As you've guessed, this post encourages both therapists and clients to seriously question that assumption! Now don't get me wrong; clients who choose to spend the time, money and energy on therapy are generally very invested in getting better. It's also assumed that clients are expected to talk in therapy. What you conceal, the therapist cannot heal. So what is to be gained from silence, half-truths or lies? Well, the problem is actually not about gain, but rather fear that there is something to lose by being fully transparent. By showing their full hand, clients are displaying vulnerability. And that is the difficulty with truth; it requires us to risk emotional closeness and vulnerability with another person. For many people who are seeking help, telling the truth sometimes has resulted in massive losses.
Why do clients lie? How common is it?
In this 2015 research paper researchers found that 93% of subjects reported lying to their therapist at least once. The most common reasons for lying included clients pretending to like their therapists' comments, explaining away late or missed sessions or pretending that therapy was more effective than it actually was. Typical motives for not telling the truth included wanting to "be polite", wanting to avoid "upsetting the therapist" and wanting to avoid "uncomfortable topics." In these situations, there usually is some fear or avoidance influencing the degree to which clients feel comfortable with being truthful. Many clients believe that keeping their hand concealed will protect them, and in some cases, their therapist.
This is all understandable but doesn't this sound strange, even tragic? Clients turn to therapists precisely because there is nowhere else they can go, nobody else they can turn to. If they do not feel safe to express their real feelings or explore uncomfortable topics then they are making a losing bet. If the goal is to avoid pain, the house always wins. So what is a therapist to do?
The two gears of trust
A good therapist knows that clients need to be trusted. When a person seeks help from a perfect stranger, they expect to be listened to; they expect to feel heard--and to feel heard, clients need to feel believed in. So it is incumbent on the therapist to actually believe in their clients. As the wise therapist Jon Frederickson says, therapists do not treat their clients like creditors treat their clients. A bank needs to see the records of credit; but a therapist begins the transaction with a loan of good faith. There can be no other way. But this is merely conversational faith. It is not simply the belief that the client will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No. It is a faith that the client has more possibilities in her life than she has even dreamed of. As Frederickson says, "neither of us can know what those possibilities may be...but we have faith that something more is possible for her." So this is not conversational faith but rather transformational faith; faith is a belief in new beginnings. As Frederickson so rightly points out, when we offer a pillar of faith for our clients, it gives them a pillar to lean on when everything else is in doubt.
Sometimes, a therapist has to help the client see what they are leaving out (in silence), or what they are covering up in half-truths, or disguising as lies. Every client is unique. Some clients will respond best to subtle, even nonverbal signals (e.g., return silence, raised eyebrow, half-smile, shrug); some will respond best by clear and firm feedback (e.g., "Is that how you really think or did you just bullshit yourself there?") Despite the different approaches, the desired results are the same. The therapist wants the client to see beyond their fears. The therapist wishes to show the client what they are striving for, underneath the layers that clients use to protect and isolate themselves from others. The most successful therapists know that this is essential to recovery.
And the most successful clients are able to respond to their therapists' deep faith by having not one, but two gears of trust. The first gear allows the client to shift from silence to speech--this is the ability to trust that the therapist is there to listen, to hear and to believe. But the second gear, perhaps building on the first, allows the client to believe that the therapist will always try to listen for the "more" that is there. Even if listening for the more means that the therapist must work to brush aside the silence, covers and disguises that keep these deeper truths from being realized. This second gear allows the client to shift into a mode of curiosity and openness when the therapist calls their bluff and invites them to lay their hand on the table.
Can your therapist do that? Perhaps. Can you survive that moment of vulnerability? Absolutely.
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